Refurbished Poetry: Back in Black

Disclaimer: Do not read this if you are a) easily offended or b) you do not know who Lewis Black is.

A Tribute to Lewis Carroll (in the style of Lewis Black)

How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail?
Oh, I don’t know.
Maybe he polishes himself with the corpses of his victims,
Deep down under the river as he death rolls all the air out of them?
Or it might be a bi-product of the mind-boggling amount of poisonous shit
Those cosmetic company bastards are dumping into the water supply?
With enough nail polish remover and hairspray floating around in there,
It’s a wonder that croc doesn’t come out looking like Joan Collins.

How cheerfully he seems to grin.
Well, I’d be cheerful too if I got to lie around in the river all day,
Gorging on fat tourists who are too stupid to realize that white water rafting
And social drinking are not great bedfellows…
Better yet, get a job you lazy fucking crocodile!

I’m sick of seeing decent, self-respecting hippos get poached
While you bastards get all the Wildlife Protection and flattering press.
You know what you need? A good CATHOLIC EDUCATION!
That’ll put the fear of God in ya, you wise-ass good-for-nothing reptile freaks.
And one more thing. Wipe that stupid smile off your face!
It makes you look like an asshole!

 

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