There are always those days where you overhear things you wish you hadn’t. For me, those days are usually few and far between–because I usually enjoy a good eavesdrop, especially when it’s none of my business–but today it was onee for the record books. Should’ve just left in the earbuds.
“…and then he was like, don’t stick that up there! And I was like ‘man up, it’s not like it’s your first time’…” – Passerby at the hospital who hopefully didn’t know she was being overheard
“Facebook is for stalking your friends. Twitter is for stalking celebrities. MySpace is for stalking underage girls. Everything else is pretty much porn.” – Co-worker’s opinion of the internet. Can’t help but agree somewhat.
Earlier tonight, I made the mistake of journeying to Wal-Mart for some groceries. Unfortunately, I had no way of knowing that my need for veggies was destined to coincide with the release of the New Moon DVD. Needless to say, things got ugly. Very, very ugly… I am NOT making these up!
Teenage Girl #1: “I totally get to keep Taylor Lautner in my room, he’d fit under my bed and I could just take him out whenever I wanted him.”
Teenage Girl #2: “No way, he has to live in MY room. You can have him on the weekends!”
Teenage Girl #1: “Whatever, whore!”
Teenage Girl #2: “He can’t live with you, obviously, because he’ll be married to ME.”
Me: ….[silently screams]
“Attention New Moon shoppers, please everybody shut up and listen. If you’ll just wait a few more minutes, you can purchase your DVD’s at the express checkout that we’ve set up especially for this purpose. Please remain calm and don’t shove. There are plenty of DVD’s for everyone.” – Wal-mart Employee on overhead speaker (11:52pm)
“Attention New Moon shoppers. For the love of God. There are plenty of DVD’s for everyone. In just a few more minutes, everyone will get a chance to buy a copy of New Moon.” – Wal-mart Employee on overhead speaker (11:58am)
“Attention New Moon shoppers. You can now make your way to the checkout to pay for your New Moon DVD’s. Please remember to be courteous to our other shoppers, and exit the store as quickly as possible after purchasing your DVD.” – Wal-mart Employee on overhead speaker (12:00am)
…While rolling around laughing in the frozen foods aisle, I get the feeling the Wal-mart announcer guy and I would make good friends.
Teenage boy: [to his friend] “Told you coming here to meet girls was stupid.”
Teenage boy’s friend: “I know, it’s like getting cock blocked by fiction.”
Middle aged guy: “Ohh, bananas!”
Middle aged guy’s wife: “Ohh, shut up.”
Wal-mart cashier: “So, you went to [religious university]? How did you like it?”
Wal-mart cashier: “Go ahead, you can say.”
Me: “I’m from Oregon, so let’s just say… I like a little more variety in my salad.”
Wal-mart cashier: “Little more drunk in your punch, eh?”
Me: “No, I was talking more in terms of racial/religious diversity, yknow?”
Wal-mart cashier: [nodding] “Oh, right. Oregon. Gay dudes.”
Get me OUT of this place!!! [Utah] !!!!!!!!!!