Resume of an Action Movie Henchman

Name: Something monosyllabic and vaguely threatening, such as Butch or Stan.

SS#: Don’t need one.

Hometown: Somewhere where they don’t have convoluted thought processes.

Desired Position: Henchman of evil mastermind in ANY action-like movie.

Skills: Completely random specialization with impractical weapon, such as Axe, Bullwhip, Ice-pick, Chainsaw, or Nunchucks. Complete crap at marksmanship with ANY type of firearm. Vacant expression, somewhat brutish appearance, and mild cruelty, otherwise very forgettable in appearance. Also, sometimes can get blown up or thrown off something really high, but will come back only to get shot right away.

Previous Experience: Limited to getting shot, blown up, kicked a lot, had hed banged together with fellow henchman, fell off bridge, had car fall on me, had building fall on me, had shelves fall on me, got used as human shield, kicked out of driver’s seat of high-speed vehicle, melted by contents of Arc, fell into sticky viscous substance, eaten by bugs, stabbed by pygmy mummies, buried alive, shot myself on accident, was shot by fellow henchman on accident, and one time this helicopter decapitated me. No verbal lines, but lots of screaming, “Huh?”s, and grunting threateningly. Also evil laughter.

Perceived Weaknesses: Inability to think, defend, or act if at any point foe pauses to monologue or quip a witty one-liner before attacking, especially if line is cliche (i.e. “Take a Nap”, “Play nice.”, “Hello there.” or anything else that is unremarkable, yet said by hero), must wait in line for turn to attack hero, or else feign injury until it is my turn. Can’t hit the side of a barn with a gun, unless hero is standing right in front of it and then will hit nothing BUT the barn. Have no idea of the motivations behind loyalty to evil supergenius, and this is never fully explained. Sometimes though, when hero is extra B.A., I will abandon all pretenses of cause and run like little girl, for effect.

Education:
How to laugh like a bad guy 101, Knife-throwing 220, Mindless Obedience 356, and Ballroom Dance 180.

References:

Evil, Dr.
Hidden Superlair
105 Desert Lane
California
1-866-EVIL

Chao Yun Fat
Somewhere in the Sewers
Underground
Singapore
987-676-BADA

Hatcher, Christopher Walken
Jungles of Brazil
Hatcherville
Brazil
No phone, only short wave radio

Guy, The Bad
Any Action Movie
4566 Studio Ln
Hollywood, CA
1-800-BAD4HRE

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