How to Speak Girl, section 3

How to avoid terror at the infamous Doorstep Scene:

Now, if you’ve been paying attention so far, there’s no reason for you to freak out. By this point in the date, you should already know how she feels about you, how comfortable she is with you, and whether or not she wants you to touch her. Ever.

If you don’t know, you either weren’t paying attention, or you are an example of what we have come to technically refer to as stoo-pid. Did you try to hold her hand at any point in the evening, put your arm about her, etc? (These actions are known as “feeling out the terrain” or “laying the groundwork”. But in actuality, they’re really more like applying for a permit to do either of those things.) Of course, she’s on a date with you, and so a certain level of non-hating can be assumed, however physical contact is NEVER something you should just blindly jump into. Unless you have a death wish, or you are very creepy.

So, if you have already lain groundwork, felt out territory, etc… ask yourself how she responded to that and then times it by about twelve. Did she ignore your attempt at interlocking digits? Or did she grab on willingly and initiate the hand caress maneuver that is so popular in the college set? Did she struggle, or create an embarrassing scene when your arm reached around her? Or perhaps, start screaming? (These last two will not have been in the “good sign” category, in case you weren’t already aware.) And so, if her reaction to these were on the tentatively favorable, accepting, or blatantly delighted category, feel free to proceed to the doorstep. With caution.

Keep in mind on the last leg of this journey a few little things. One, watch for body language signals. Two, look for lingering eye contact. That’s pretty much the Atilla of all “Kiss me” signals. And thirdly, try to weigh the girl’s personality and level of innocence against her image, and do not (I repeat, DO NOT) overstep the boundaries of what a first kiss would be to her. In other words, if she’s the timid librarian type, and you slobber all over her, game over. Or, if you think she’s a wild one and won’t mind getting thrown up against the door on a first date, think again. It doesnt’ just depend on what she wants (deep down, some do) but what she thinks and also (I HATE to mention this one) what her friends think. And her roomates. Because when she eventually goes inside the house (easy there, Tiger, save some for later) and tells her roomates, sisterfriends, or…mom? what went down, you do not want her to have to edit. Because you are a nice boy, and nice boys don’t go Brad Pitt’s version of Achilles on the first date. Mmmkay?

Last tidbits of advice for the conclusion of the door scene:

Just like any good Emily Post reader, don’t forget to thank her for the date, even if it does seem wildly inappropriate after having just had a biblical introduction. Your mom will be proud.

Also, if a kiss was had, you should probably send her at least a text message that night on your way home, or call her in the morning. Second thoughts and doubts usually (for girls) happen right after any kind of plunge is taken, and not before like you guys.

Last but not least, remember to drive safely home, and try not to run into anything please.

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5 thoughts on “How to Speak Girl, section 3

  1. This is all well and good, but you didn’t say whether or not it is a faux pas to kiss earlier in the date. You did assume the doorstep scene is the first kiss. Would an earlier kiss spoil the doorstep scene or otherwise downplay its roll in things? Especially since, by kissing during the date, there is an obvious call for talking afterwards, with no obvious/convenient route of escape.

  2. I think that’s the point of the doorstep scene, overall. It’s the do-or-die moment, with little or no fear of repurcussions. That’s an interesting thought though, to just jump the gun altogether. It certainly has the element of surprise… you just have to make sure the girl isn’t going to punch you in the face.

  3. The point of the doorstep scene is because at some point someone dictated that it was not polite to drive the car past a girls house and expect her to roll out onto the curb. The awkward stage is the entire “so, now you’re on my doorstep, and, gee, how cleanly can you say good bye and do you even want to?”Who are these guys and why are they putting on the moves on the first date. I’m all ready to jump into blog posting to defend the timid librarians!Just remember:Now a woman who’ll kiss on very the first date is usually a hussy,And a woman who’ll kiss on the second time out is anything but fussy.Well, remember that, and that Shipoopi is a stupid word.

  4. What the hell, Jan?First of all, I’m intrigued at the viewpoints that you’re ready to offer to this blog, but seriously you can’t see ANY reason a girl would kiss on a first date? (PS – I myself haven’t tried it either, but let’s not be too quick to throw around the word hussy, hilarious as it may be) And furthermore, where did you even HEAR that word?

  5. Yes, I can see many reasons for a girl to never kiss a guy on the first date and one of them I promised never, ever to utter in your presence never, ever again.The hussy vs fussy quote is straight out of a “Music Man” number in which the oft repeated lyric is, “shipoopi.”

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