So. This has been an interesting season. I’ve cried, laughed, danced, grieved, slept, ailed, healed, worked, learned, worked, loved, lost, and avoided taxes. I’ve thought, prayed, questioned, pondered, imagined, reasoned, puzzled, wondered, and asked. I’ve doubted, given up, sworn, denied, ignored, forgotten, and spurned. But not once did I die. And for that, I am grateful.
Why is it that the most learning seems to occur in the times that are the most painful? Why is it that answers never come when we desperately seem to need them, but instead after we have moved on? Why does love ignore us, even forsake us when we try to cling to it, only to return when we finally become proficient at standing alone? Why, when we thirst, does the water dry up faster, and the one holding the cup takes it farther from our reach? Why is rest so often denied the weary?
Perhaps there is something to the theory of penance in order to bestow worthiness. Although it is not a teaching often found in our (and by “our” I mean Mormon) culture, perhaps the early Catholics were right. Maybe we’re not actually worthy of good until we’ve proven ourselves able to withstand the bad. Maybe, we are not granted reprieve until we can walk with confidence under fire in any given area. This is just a vague theory, but perhaps, if people wouldn’t ask “Why me, I know I deserve better?” or “Why can’t I have gotten what I wanted?” but instead say “I cannot think of what I deserve until I have earned it.” and “The world owes me nothing, but I owe everything I am given.” even if we wouldn’t all get what we want, perhaps we would cease to need it?